It has been more than two months since I last posted on this blog - the reason for that is the crazy time I have been having - I moved houses, my husband moved to another city and suddenly I was left handling our baby, setting up home from scratch and holding down a very demanding job all by myself.
Idyllic thoughts of losing my pregnancy fat became an ever receding and unimportant dream. Or setting up an indoor garden and child proofing my home. I have barely been able to keep it all together. Work often pours in at odd hours - leaving me grappling a cranky baby while I rock her and pray that she falls off to sleep early so I can tear myself away to attack the ever mounting pile of work.
But I am aware that I am not alone in this journey. Women all over the world through the ages continue to make this journey. There are the successful women breaking glass ceilings - my Facebook feed seems to be full of these inspirational stories. And for each such woman there are the unsung silent average day to day stories - of my young domestic help who is divorced and raising her two little babies on her own or the hassled mommy plodding the aisles in my local grocery store with two kids in tow. I have been wondering - is it really possible for women to have it all?
Last week I finally caved and took the majority of the week off from work. I stayed at home and ran chores. I bought plants for the balconies - ferns and aloe vera as a feeble onslaught against the crazy Delhi smog. I got cushions for my window seat. I planned a few meals for my baby. I looked up recipes on Pinterest. I found time to run to the dry cleaners and bought groceries from a real store instead of buying it all online. And most importantly I have been able to spend time with my little one who is now a robust ten month old. I began reading to her again - something I started quite early with her but stopped once I joined office because of the lack of time. After months, I began to practice the piano again to my baby's delight. As I padded around our new apartment, fixing furniture and arranging the kitchen, my baby followed me around the house on all fours. It was a lovely break. I now feel a little more in control of my life.
But I speak on a Sunday evening. Monday looms less than 12 hours away.
Now is a good time to record the things I have going for me - lots of domestic part time help who I have outsourced day to day routine chores and cooking. I stick to the family resolution of not having a nanny to mind the little one. This in itself is a lot of work - but work that we all otherwise enjoy. I have in-laws who live in the same building who mind the baby while I am away at work and who I can count on to mind her when I attend my music class or the odd get together with friends. My husband visits often - albeit for short durations - but it does help. Most importantly - my family encourages me to continue working and be financially independent. Millions of women around the world continue to be denied this basic privilege. I cannot take it lightly. I cannot take my education or my position lightly. While there is no dishonor in failing, in fact it is quite acceptable to become a stay-at-home mommy, I want to fight it out.
It really is really up to me. Keeping my sanity by being focused is important. I have spent the last few days analyzing how I have become so unproductive by constantly stressing and bemoaning my situation. I whined and whined about the time I spent commuting (3-4 hours a day), but after I engaged a driver, all I have been doing is sleep in the car. At work I keep looking at my watch to note when I can leave but once home, I am constantly stressing about work. And then I get neither job done well. I have begun to live in anticipation and dread and feel constantly exhausted. One key change I want to bring about is to account for every hour of my day. It may sound simple, but once one starts monitoring progress its a subconscious nudge to be efficient. Next I want to make sure that once I am home, I switch off work no matter what the urgency. Since I have no one to hand over my baby to, I have to learn to say no. I get a few precious hours with my baby while she is awake - I have to make it count and to do that I need to be able to keep all work related stress outside the door. The corollary to this is to of course give my 100% while in office - to not take breaks, to be efficient and utilize down time to catch up.
This post is a record of my own struggles and attempts at motivation. It is part of my growth in the role as a parent. I do not know how this will resolve itself in future. But I set it out here for anyone who may identify with it and may take some form of inspiration or even solace from the knowledge of a similar struggle.
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