The Generation Gap

My husband and I treated giving birth (rightfully) as a rite of passage into adulthood. Into our footloose and carefree lifestyles came our little angel. The nine months before her birth were spent dreaming big dreams for our baby. We also diligently attended workshops and spoke to expecting and new parents. We shopped for cute little hats and swaddle cloths and onesies. We bought a car seat and stroller and began renovating our house to make it more baby friendly and to include a nursery. Then, post-birth, while still at the hospital, various members of the staff took turns to train us in bathing, feeding, cleaning the baby.  

Trouble started once we came home with the little one - we had not anticipated just how territorial our parents would be about their grandchild. Or their insistence on practices that we had specifically been warned against (mustard oil massage, feeding the baby sweetened water for instance). It took enormous patience in that state of sleep deprivation and exhaustion to explain over and over.   again that medicine has advanced in the past couple of decades, and a few of the baby care techniques from yesteryears were no longer considered kosher by the medical community. Time and again we faced the ire of our indignant parents who were not used to the idea of their own little babies in the role of caregivers. Nor were they prepared, given their experience, initially, for any questions regarding their authority on the business of child raising. 

Our parents raised us at a time when caring for babies was a community activity. Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles would descend on the new parents and take over the care of the household and baby for long periods of time. Age old wisdom in improving digestion, burping the baby, improving the mother's milk supply, warding of evil influences were dispensed and received gratefully. 

In contrast, here were two newbie parents, kids themselves not so long ago, who, armed with the knowledge from the internet, expensive workshops and peer counselling groups, were sceptical of their elders expertise, and instead chose to rely on impersonal advise of strangers (doctors and consultants in the hospital) over that of the elders of the family. 

So, the first few weeks were a mix of celebration of the newone's arrival and re-drawing boundaries between the generations. My husband and I did  concede many sore points (in the first one month we did not take the baby out of home at all - except to the doctor) and our parents had to reconcile themselves to the fact that certain things were just taboo (for instance, the use of talcum powder on new born babies is now considered fairly dangerous). In the end, both sides picked their battles and learned to live with losing a few and within a few weeks we reached a happy equilibrium. 

Despite these hiccups we have been very grateful for all the support we have received.  I would be so glad when my mother would happily take over the baby at 5 AM so I could catch up on sleep. There are days when the number of baby clothes are just not enough for loading the washing machine, and MIL simply hand washes those clothes and puts them out to dry herself. Having parents around has meant that my husband and I get enough time to socialise with friends and watch the occasional movie. We now have demarcated functions for each member of the family in this cocoon that we have created to nurture the baby - and with time, this has also given us the humility to accept a few suggestions that initially we found abhorrent from our parents from time to time. Watching us operate and take responsibility for our baby has also given parents the confidence to back down and give us space.

Each family will have its own story. But I think almost all urban millennial Indians have faced this same power struggle with the old guard in some form or the other.  It is important to be patient and give it time - things fall into place with time with family, especially since the common goal is to provide the best possible care for the baby.